Justin Bieber beats Hitler in a fistfight – But it was close.

Depending on who you ask, Justin Bieber is either a mischievous heartthrob singer or a vile douchebag no matter what he does. His voice can pump you up, soothe your soul or reacquaint you with the lunch you had earlier. Hello, ham sandwich. But I digress…

Bieber has done a lot recently to clean up his image. He yearns to go back to the days of innocence and wholesomeness. However, the move has done absolutely nothing to dissuade his haters. He gathered the media in the lobby of his 10.8 Million dollar Los Angeles Mansion to speak on this recently;

“It really stinks, yanno. I did my hardest to clean up my image, you know what I’m sayin, I’m reborn. Know what I’m sayin’? Big ups to J-Star who died for our sins. I ask myself every day ‘What Would J-Unit Do?’ and he told me to do what he did and stand up to evil. I remember when he fought Satan and prevailed…(cont’d)”

*Editor’s note: The fight Justin is referring to was the 10th episode Damien from the critically acclaimed Comedy Central series South Park which aired February 4th, 1998 when Justin was three years old.

“…What is the greatest evil I could fight? Nazis. Who was the greatest Nazi of all time? A-Bomb Adolf, H-Bomb Hitler and I’m going to personally give him a ticket upstairs to meet J-Dawg in the sky. Bieber out.”

“Was this even real?”

Nobody wanted to believe the Biebs. Everybody thought this was a massive troll. However, last night, Justin Bieber literally did the impossible. He fought Adolf Hitler in front of the Aryan Brotherhood and Every White Nationalists in the world via pay per view.

Victory would not come easy for Bieber, however. Hitler, being a strict vegetarian, had no trouble modifying his diet to shed a few pounds to drop from 160 lbs to a leaner 155. Bieber on the other hand actually did weigh 150lbs soaking wet and had to intensify his Tim Horton’s diet to bulk up from 145 lbs.

Early on, The Furher of the 3rd Reich landed several jabs and overhand rights that left Justin Bieber badly bruised. Justin returned some punches of his own but they did not have the desired effect on ol’ H-Bomb. Midway through the 2nd round Bieber switched strategy and tried to slow Herr Hitler down with quick jabs to the body.

Hitler began to slow down and Justin, as expected, got cocky enough to let Angry Adolf steal a round unanimously. However, Justin’s friendship with Floyd Mayweather must’ve taught him some composure because the fight began to tip largely in Bieber’s favor. He began to pile Hitler with uppercuts.

Everybody watched in awe as all the gas drained out of Hitler’s tank. He was very aggressive in the opening rounds of the fight but after the turning point he was consistently being pushed back by Justin’s own Blitzkrieg offensive. In a last ditch effort, Hitler let loose a furher of punches.

Justin simply Michael-Jackson-Chimon!-Moonwalked all around them. It was as if Bieber had finally powered up his special ability and he was now invincible. With Hitler winded, it was only a matter of time before Bieber put him down for the count.

Bieber was elated. The crowd was stunned. Surely nobody wanted Hitler to win but did everybody want Bieber to somehow lose? Slowly the eerie silence turned into a thunderous applause as Justin celebrated his victory. Hitler needed help standing back up. Unreal.