I need to do more with TheJadedGamer.ca …Maybe a blog to give you some insight on what makes me tick?
I feel awful.
So…. you probably know me from Rated J…. Or maybe you know me from YouTube? Doubtful. Rated J is probably where I’m drawing the focus from… right?
Rated J is tough. I spent a year finding my footing and had a few missteps along the way… I expected that. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing with Rated J… I just go with the flow. Now…. I have a better idea of what I’m doing. Rated J is more or less theater for your mind.
I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know where any of this begins. Does it begin last weekend when I realized life can be even better than it already is? Does it start when I made a promise to myself that I would never be wrapped around another woman’s finger, helpless, again? Does it begin with a rocky break-up? Does it begin with a mother that raised me to be her idea of a gentleman? I don’t even know… What I do know is… I don’t feel good.
The Jaded Gamer…. Since 2008-ish I’ve just been some schmuck running his mouth about video games. Then in 2015 I took whatever listeners I had and I started talking about myself and things other than video games. It wasn’t supposed to be me alone. I completely Zuckerberg-ed (Right-Click, Save As) the whole idea. I knew a podcast talking about myself… outside the realm of video games…. could have legs. Most of the questions or comments I get as “The Jaded Gamer” are actually quite personal.
I knew Rated J could work. My life is anything but boring. I’ve beat around the bush enough. I had a bad morning. OK…. Not bad…. I am sad. The events of this morning made me feel sad.
Listeners of Rated J know I talked about a woman named “Rhonda” … Not her real name…
(Aside: I change real names regularly so I can talk about my life and keep real people anonymous.) and how things didn’t work out between us. I ended the story by explaining how I squashed beef between myself and another interested man by confronting him and telling him how to get on her good side.
Long story short… I let Rhonda go. She doesn’t make me feel how I want to feel. She doesn’t make me feel like I can move mountains. . . and I CAN move mountains, friend. I never… felt like she was pleased. But at the same time, I never felt like I could do anything to please her and I feel like I’m capable of amazing things. I let her go. I even set it up to get her out of my life.
Today… she came back…. she said everything I needed to hear… a month ago.
She did everything she needed to do … a month ago.
I am quite different than I was a month ago.
We met at a coffee shop.
“You look good.” she said sliding into the booth.
“You always do.” I said with a half smirk barely making eye contact.
“Thanks.” she took a sip of her medium double-double shying away. “How was your trip?”
I bristle. “I…” I’m not The Jaded Gamer all the time, guys. “It was good. I had fun.”
“Cool.” She said reading between lines that weren’t there. I could tell. “So…” she started.
“I…” I inadvertently interrupted. “Sorry. You go.”
“I hate the way things ended between us.” She tried to catch my eyes. I wouldn’t let her. I kept looking down at my coffee…. like a wimp.
“You shouldn’t. You were right. You deserve more. I get that now.” (I really…. really do.) “I can’t blame you for walking away. It’s OK.”
I was hoping this was just a small conversation. I was hoping that at this point all she wanted to do was make sure I didn’t hate her. I don’t hate her at all. I am really just over her. She can do better. I … can do better. But she had a different revelation than I did. Let me fast forward in the conversation.
“He’s (Brendan/Branden) never going to change. Every time I see him, he always smells fresh. You know? Everything is always simple to him. His life is so simple. It is boring. You’re anything but boring.”
“So?” I scrunched my face. “I thought stability…”
“You smell like sweat…” (Don’t you dare…) “Your hands are dirty from working hard.” (Stop it…) “You don’t just expect life to reward you…” (Just… stop…. Rhonda)
I’m chopping and screwing the conversation because these are memory fragments but her point is pretty much…. “Maybe the pretty-boy who has it all figured out, really doesn’t and I never gave you a fair chance because you never knew I was all in.”
Where did she get the idea that she could even think I was still interested in her?
Rated J…. “Maybe I liked a Rhonda.” Five words. Out of the hundreds… thousands I’ve said during and since that episode…. all she heard was… “Maybe I liked a Rhonda.” That was all she needed. She ignored the part where I said … “But it was worth it…”
AND IT WAS…. IT CONTINUES TO BE…
Rhonda is not my Queen. (Don’t conflate the terms “My Queen” & “Interim Queen” from Rated J. I know it is confusing but English only has so many words) Today… I had to sit down and tell her why.
“You don’t make me feel like a king. At all. Ever. As much as I wanted you… you never wanted me. There was always a bigger better deal for you out there. There still is. You knew that if I didn’t work out there was a Brendan/Brandon or a Markus or a Skylar or a Silas or a Brett.”
Why does standing up for myself… feel terrible? She’s only here now because… I did let her go. SHE lets people go. SHE… breaks up with guys. SHE broke it off with me and not only did I let it end, I helped the guy she actually likes, make good with her. AM I A FICTIONAL MOTHER FUCKER WITH A HEART OF GOLD OR WHAT?
I wanted that to be it. Not at first. But in the coming weeks… months…. my outlook on life would shift. There is a better life out there for me with the treatment I not only want but feel I deserve from a partner/companion/lover etc. Things I just did not get from her.
I broke her heart. She cried a little. I avoided eye contact like a chickenshit because my instinct is to give in and wrap my arms around her. I wanted to make her feel good. I wanted to say to her that “I’m going to take this pain away and be there for you so you’ll never feel it again. You’ll be my everything from this day forward and we’ll build a life together.”
But that’s not what I said. I said more or less…
“I care about you. But I deleted your number from my phone so I’d never do what you’re doing now. You’re wondering if I’m the one that got away the same way I wondered if you were. ‘Rhonda’…. I’m not the guy. I’m just … I’m just not the guy.”
I held her hand for a minute. I cupped it…. took a deep breath… stood up… and walked out.
And now there is a bunch of booze staring at me. Excuse me.
The Jaded Gamer.