Justin Bieber beats Hitler in a fistfight – But it was close.

Depending on who you ask, Justin Bieber is either a mischievous heartthrob singer or a vile douchebag no matter what he does.   His voice can pump you up, soothe your soul or reacquaint you with the lunch you had earlier.  Hello, ham sandwich.  But I digress…

Bieber has done a lot recently to clean up his image.  He yearns to go back to the days of innocence and wholesomeness. However, the move has done absolutely nothing to dissuade his haters. He gathered the media in the lobby of his 10.8 Million dollar Los Angeles Mansion to speak on this recently;

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“It really stinks, yanno.  I did my hardest to clean up my image, you know what I’m sayin, I’m reborn. Know what I’m sayin’? Big ups to J-Star who died for our sins.  I ask myself every day ‘What Would J-Unit Do?’ and he told me to do what he did and stand up to evil. I remember when he fought Satan and prevailed…(cont’d)”

*Editor’s note: The fight Justin is referring to was the 10th episode Damien from the critically acclaimed Comedy Central series South Park which aired February 4th, 1998 when Justin was three years old.

“…What is the greatest evil I could fight? Nazis.  Who was the greatest Nazi of all time? A-Bomb Adolf, H-Bomb Hitler and I’m going to personally give him a ticket upstairs to meet J-Dawg in the sky. Bieber out.”

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  “Was this even real?”

Nobody wanted to believe the Biebs.  Everybody thought this was a massive troll.  However, last night, Justin Bieber literally did the impossible.  He fought Adolf Hitler in front of the Aryan Brotherhood and Every White Nationalists in the world via pay per view.

Victory would not come easy for Bieber, however.  Hitler, being a strict vegetarian, had no trouble modifying his diet to shed a few pounds to drop from 160 lbs to a leaner 155.  Bieber on the other hand actually did weigh 150lbs soaking wet and had to intensify his Tim Horton’s diet to bulk up from 145 lbs.

Early on, The Furher of the 3rd Reich landed several jabs and overhand rights that left Justin Bieber badly bruised.  Justin returned some punches of his own but they did not have the desired effect on ol’ H-Bomb.  Midway through the 2nd round Bieber switched strategy and tried to slow Herr Hitler down with quick jabs to the body.

Hitler began to slow down and Justin, as expected, got cocky enough to let Angry Adolf steal a round unanimously.  However, Justin’s friendship with Floyd Mayweather must’ve taught him some composure because the fight began to tip largely in Bieber’s favor.  He began to pile Hitler with uppercuts.

Everybody watched in awe as all the gas drained out of Hitler’s tank.  He was very aggressive in the opening rounds of the fight but after the turning point he was consistently being pushed back by Justin’s own Blitzkrieg offensive.  In a last ditch effort, Hitler let loose a furher of punches.

Justin simply Michael-Jackson-Chimon!-Moonwalked all around them.  It was as if Bieber had finally powered up his special ability and he was now invincible.  With Hitler winded, it was only a matter of time before Bieber put him down for the count.

Bieber was elated.  The crowd was stunned. Surely nobody wanted Hitler to win but did everybody want Bieber to somehow lose?  Slowly the eerie silence turned into a thunderous applause as Justin celebrated his victory.  Hitler needed help standing back up. Unreal.

–The Jaded Gamer, signing out!

@IamFN2K

 

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Favorite Cell: Down the rabbit hole

OK, so I’ve begun to roll out the first of my creative vomits…

WHAM!

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If you haven’t read it, check it out. But first, let’s discuss the topic. “My favorite cell.”
Page 5. “Well, that escalated quickly.” Born purely out of necessity.

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I had very little resources to transition into a full blown alien invasion. I feel this nails it and moves the scene past what just happened so fast that the reader just says.. “Seems legit.” and keeps going.

See the problem with doing these silly things is not only assembling screenshots and writing the corresponding dialogue, but giving context to every scene. Then while giving context to every scene I have to move the story forward at a certain pace while making Kim likable. She’s the hero.  I don’t intend on having her giggle and twirl her hair through these stupid adventures.

I came to the conclusion that there are a number of reality stars who could easily be “Batman” and that “bat” didn’t necessarily have to be a “man”. Then I immediately made the decision that the reality star shouldn’t be the butt of “the joke” She’ll bare the brunt some jokes, for sure but the cosmic joke is not on her. She is the hero.

So whether or not there is an issue two or I get slapped with a cease and desist – to be continued…

My next bit of SnapCap Comic business is tentatively titled “Fallout: Degrees.” A title that made more sense when I first thought of it.  It was supposed to be from two different perspectives as the characters interacted with each other “butterfly effect” style between the environments of Fallout 3 and New Vegas.  Making that work is actually beyond any effort I’m willing to put into that project.  It would take too much time. However, the new Vault-tec workshop for Fallout 4 solves a problem I was facing and I can continue the tale… or at least half of it.  Here’s the cover:

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The vault is key.  But the snag… I ran out of materials when building the “set” so this one might have to go back into the oven because I have other things I need to focus on.

Fallout Degrees is much more serious in tone and I worry about that because comedy is much easier to worth with when using screenshots as a medium.

Anyways, that’s been my time.

@IamFN2K
iamfn2k@gmail.com
PSN/XBL: IamFN2K

PODCAST: Rated J #47 – Jaded Gamer: Expert Nothing Sayer of Justice

Rated J: The Podcast

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47. Jaded Gamer: Nothing Sayer of Justice (Download) [Right Click, Save As]

The Jaded Gamer discusses farting in an elevator like a boss, admitting he talks a lot but says nothing and griefs on parents publicly shaming their children. Plus BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!… I’m pregnant. Not really.

The Jaded Gamer

Twitter @IamFN2K
PSN/XBL (Include a message) IamFN2K
IamFN2K@gmail.com

PODCAST: 44. Jaded Physics & The Glistening Mountaintops of Justice

Rated J: The Podcast

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44. Jaded Physics & The Glistening Mountaintops of Justice [Right Click, Save As](Download)

The Jaded Gamer invades Novah’s cosmos and they talk about God’s underwear, the boring flat lands in between Ontario and Alberta and how disgustingly Canadian they actually are.

The Jaded Gamer

Twitter @IamFN2K
PSN/XBL (Include a message) IamFN2K
IamFN2K@gmail.com

BLOG: Cheat codes & Heartbreak: I am not the guy.

I need to do more with TheJadedGamer.ca …Maybe a blog to give you some insight on what makes me tick?

I feel awful.

So…. you probably know me from Rated J…. Or maybe you know me from YouTube? Doubtful.  Rated J is probably where I’m drawing the focus from… right?

Rated J is tough.  I spent a year finding my footing and had a few missteps along the way… I expected that. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing with Rated J… I just go with the flow.  Now…. I have a better idea of what I’m doing.  Rated J is more or less theater for your mind.

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know where any of this begins. Does it begin last weekend when I realized life can be even better than it already is? Does it start when I made a promise to myself that I would never be wrapped around another woman’s finger, helpless, again? Does it begin with a rocky break-up?  Does it begin with a mother that raised me to be her idea of a gentleman?  I don’t even know… What I do know is… I don’t feel good.

The Jaded Gamer…. Since 2008-ish I’ve just been some schmuck running his mouth about video games. Then in 2015 I took whatever listeners I had and I started talking about myself and things other than video games.  It wasn’t supposed to be me alone.  I completely Zuckerberg-ed (Right-Click, Save As) the whole idea. I knew a podcast talking about myself… outside the realm of video games…. could have legs.   Most of the questions or comments I get as “The Jaded Gamer” are actually quite personal.

I knew Rated J could work.  My life is anything but boring.  I’ve beat around the bush enough.  I had a bad morning.  OK…. Not bad…. I am sad.   The events of this morning made me feel sad.

Listeners of Rated J know I talked about a woman named “Rhonda” … Not her real name…
(Aside: I change real names regularly so I can talk about my life and keep real people anonymous.) and how things didn’t work out between us.  I ended the story by explaining how I squashed beef between myself and another interested man by confronting him and telling him how to get on her good side.

Long story short… I let Rhonda go. She doesn’t make me feel how I want to feel. She doesn’t make me feel like I can move mountains. . . and I CAN move mountains, friend. I never… felt like she was pleased. But at the same time, I never felt like I could do anything to please her and I feel like I’m capable of amazing things.  I let her go.  I even set it up to get her out of my life.

Today… she came back…. she said everything I needed to hear… a month ago.

She did everything she needed to do … a month ago.

I am quite different than I was a month ago.

We met at a coffee shop.

“You look good.” she said sliding into the booth.
“You always do.” I said with a half smirk barely making eye contact.
“Thanks.” she took a sip of her medium double-double shying away. “How was your trip?”

I bristle. “I…” I’m not The Jaded Gamer all the time, guys. “It was good. I had fun.”
“Cool.” She said reading between lines that weren’t there.  I could tell. “So…” she started.

“I…” I inadvertently interrupted. “Sorry. You go.”

“I hate the way things ended between us.” She tried to catch my eyes.  I wouldn’t let her.  I kept looking down at my coffee…. like a wimp.

“You shouldn’t.  You were right. You deserve more. I get that now.” (I really…. really do.) “I can’t blame you for walking away. It’s OK.”

I was hoping this was just a small conversation.  I was hoping that at this point all she wanted to do was make sure I didn’t hate her.  I don’t hate her at all.  I am really just over her. She can do better.  I … can do better.  But she had a different revelation than I did. Let me fast forward in the conversation.

“He’s (Brendan/Branden) never going to change. Every time I see him, he always smells fresh. You know?  Everything is always simple to him.  His life is so simple.  It is boring.  You’re anything but boring.”

“So?” I scrunched my face. “I thought stability…”

“You smell like sweat…” (Don’t you dare…) “Your hands are dirty from working hard.” (Stop it…)  “You don’t just expect life to reward you…” (Just… stop…. Rhonda)

PAUSE

I’m chopping and screwing the conversation because these are memory fragments but her point is pretty much…. “Maybe the pretty-boy who has it all figured out, really doesn’t and I never gave you a fair chance because you never knew I was all in.”

Where did she get the idea that she could even think I was still interested in her?

Rated J….  “Maybe I liked a Rhonda.”  Five words.  Out of the hundreds… thousands I’ve said during and since that episode…. all she heard was… “Maybe I liked a Rhonda.”  That was all she needed. She ignored the part where I said … “But it was worth it…”

AND IT WAS…. IT CONTINUES TO BE…

Rhonda is not my Queen. (Don’t conflate the terms “My Queen” & “Interim Queen” from Rated J.  I know it is confusing but English only has so many words) Today… I had to sit down and tell her why.

“You don’t make me feel like a king. At all. Ever. As much as I wanted you… you never wanted me.  There was always a bigger better deal for you out there.  There still is. You knew that if I didn’t work out there was a Brendan/Brandon or a Markus or a Skylar or a Silas or a Brett.”

Why does standing up for myself… feel terrible?  She’s only here now because… I did let her go.  SHE lets people go.  SHE… breaks up with guys.  SHE broke it off with me and not only did I let it end, I helped the guy she actually likes, make good with her.  AM I A FICTIONAL MOTHER FUCKER WITH A HEART OF GOLD OR WHAT?

I wanted that to be it. Not at first. But in the coming weeks… months…. my outlook on life would shift.  There is a better life out there for me with the treatment I not only want but feel I deserve from a partner/companion/lover etc.  Things I just did not get from her.

I broke her heart. She cried a little.  I avoided eye contact like a chickenshit because my instinct is to give in and wrap my arms around her.  I wanted to make her feel good.  I wanted to say to her that “I’m going to take this pain away and be there for you so you’ll never feel it again.  You’ll be my everything from this day forward and we’ll build a life together.”

But that’s not what I said.  I said more or less…

“I care about you. But I deleted your number from my phone so I’d never do what you’re doing now.  You’re wondering if I’m the one that got away the same way I wondered if you were.  ‘Rhonda’….  I’m not the guy.  I’m just … I’m just not the guy.”

I held her hand for a minute. I cupped it…. took a deep breath… stood up… and walked out.

And now there is a bunch of booze staring at me.  Excuse me.
The Jaded Gamer.

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